E poi, sai, sono andata via. Perché non potevo più vivere con la solitudine in quella casa in mezzo al mare... La tempesta è venuta un giorno, così, senza preavviso. Non mi aveva detto niente, è semplicemente venuta. Io non li avevo fatto niente. Forse sei stato tu ad arabiarla quando te ne sei andato senza dire niente. Eppure ti sentivo ancora... da qualche parte del mondo. Questo mondo vasto e solitaro... dell'acqua... questo azzurro che mi fa confondere la nostra casa con il cielo. E così mi sono un po' perduta... in cammino... verso te... andavo a cercarti. Non mi hai lasciato niente... nessuna parola... nessun sorriso... nessun pianto... nessuna traccia di te non ho trovato, eppure ho cercato. In mezzo al mare sono caduta. Se torni, non mi troverai più qui. Sai, sono andata via. In quel momento nel quale la mia disperazione aveva raggiunto il punto culminante, allora ho scoperto una nuova vita... la vita dall'altra parte del cielo. L'altra metà del cielo... l'altra metà del'aqua... e sono partita. Tra le onde e le nuvole ho scoperto il sole. Ho scoperto il mio respiro. E ho preso uno, poi un altro... e di nuovo, non riuscivo a fermarmi. E 'stato in quel momento - quando mi sono accorta che ero viva! Eppure sì, eppure no! Sono io e non lo sono! Sono tua, eppure sono mia. Oppure tu sei me e io sono te! Vai via, vai via! Io non ti voglio qui! Non ti voglio più qui! Mi fai proprio paura! Ma sei diventato proprio come uno specchio! O lo sei stato sempre? Ma ogni volta che ti guardo, vedo me!? Ma come è possibile? Siamo latti della stessa anima? Siamo lo stesso corpo? No! Non puo essere! Allora vuol dire che non sono stata mai sola - neanche quando sei partito? Vuoi dirmi che così viviamo noi, questi esseri che ci chiamano uomini, insieme, uno nel altro? E alla fine, credo che hai ragione... perché, vedi, sentiamo tutti gli stessi dolori, piangiamo le stesse lacrime, ridiamo, ci danno gioia le stesse cose e ci fanno felici i stessi fatti semplici della vita... e poi, sai, siamo ognugno di noi speciale e differente dal altro, ma allo stesso tempo siamo uguali. Che le nostre anime sentano! Che le nostre anime amino! Che le nostre anime piangano! E io ti amo! Sì! Ti amo! Con tutto quello che ho dentro di me - ti regalo me! Così, come sono! Un po' brutta, un po' maliziosa, un po' felice e a volte un po' triste, un po' egoista, un po' timorosa della vita, un po' troppo impulsiva, un po'... come dirti, un po' troppo di tutto. E se tutto questo è un sogno, non voglio svegliarmi mai! Adesso lo so... sei partito per darmi l'opportunità di scoprire il mondo. Sei il sentimento più bello che io abbia mai sentito! Sei il cielo più chiaro che io abbia mai visto! Sei il sorriso più caro del mondo! Quanto amo la tua faccia felice e i tuoi occhi chiari che mi guardano con tanta gentilezza... e ti sento come una carezza nella notte fredda di me stessa... E sono andata lì, laggiù, dentro di me per scoprirmi... E sai quando l'ho fatto? Dopo che sei partito! Eh, sì! Puoi credere che la gente non pensa che quando mi hai lasciato mi hai amato di più? Quel abbandono non è stato considerato una prove d'amore ma un atto terribile? E non è stato proprio un abbandono. No! E stato solo una pausa... che tu mi hai datto per ritrovarmi, per scoprirmi, per allungare le mie alli e volare. Amore, sono tornata! Sono tornata da te... e questo è il mio regalo per te. Non si puo comparare al tuo, ma poi, non li compariamo, vero? Solo amiamo! Ti regalo me! Sono io... la libertà, la felicità, l'aria, il profumo dei fiori più belli. Sono io... solamente io e ti amerò per sempre... nella tua anima mi trovo. Lì, dove ti trovo anche a te. Dove ci amiamo, dove siamo solamente noi... nudi con i nostri sentimenti. Noi - senza maschere! Noi, quelli che amano. Noi, tutti gli uomini che ci troviamo su questa terra oggi! Ed io... che ti amo! Mondo! Ti amo!
P.S. Forse ho fatto degli errori, sapete, sto ancora imparando l'italiano, ma ho pensato che suona così bello in italiano che non ho potuto fare a meno di scrivere.
I sometimes feel that some spirits take the form of humans just to make us see what's right in front of us, but for some reason, we refuse to acknowledge. They come on a breath of air, smelling like flowers, bringing the sun in our lives even though outside, the sky is grey.
People that touch our hearts, just moments in time that may only be five minutes or just the hello you exchanged. People that out of the blue start talking to you in the park and because of the smile you shared, your day is brighter. Just... connections that form between people that apparently don't know each other. Maybe it's an acknowledgment of the spirits. Maybe it's just butterflies dancing in the sun's rays. Maybe that's just how the spirits see us. Maybe it's just that part of us we have forgotten. How we used to be: opened, free, happy, beautiful!
Today is the second day that people started talking to me in the park while walking my dog. Yesterday I met a math teacher, we strolled together for some time. We had something in common: both my dad and my brother are teachers. We talked about the stray dog we passed. It was so cute, it had a tennis ball and it kept playing with it. Actually, I think it was a he. So, he just let the ball fall down the hill - he was at the top - and then he would chase it. Then he went up again and he did the same thing over and over again. People stopped just to look at him play. He was spreading so much joy! And yet, we all went home and he stayed there, alone. I wish so much I could have taken him. I felt so small and humble in that moment! He was teaching us a great lesson: I have nothing but a ball to play with, I have no home, I may or may not find food, winter is coming, but I have this ball and today the sun is shinning, the leaves are falling and I'm having the greatest time ever!!! I'm happy just as I am. I don't think about tomorrow, I don't think what will be an hour from now. Why? Because I'm only here now! This moment is all that matters and I'm taking it down the hill with me, rolling in it, enjoying it!
Yeah... time passes us by and most of the time, we even forget how to smile, too caught up in our "problems". But maybe we wouldn't have any if we just remembered how to live.
Look up, look up! There's the sun and the perfect sky and the perfect trees and the perfect life! Stop looking down all the time!
Today a biker said hello and smiled just because my dog wasn't on his leash when he passed by and I caught my cocker by the harness so he wouldn't get the impulse to run after the bicycle. He doesn't usually, but you never know. So, when he passed us by, the guy on the bike looked at me, smiled and said hi! I loved that moment! People I most likely won't meet again, but you shared something with them. Something like a smile that feels like a great gift.
Some people tell me I'm too opened, too naive... I don't think I am. I just am! Why hide myself after a screen of "not me", like oh, I'm serious 100% of the time (someone told me once "I thought you were a serious person. Now I see I'm wrong." just because I laughed at a joke), I don't smile, I don't laugh with all my heart. Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Let's live in a masquerade all the time. Let's always pretend that it will take us somewhere and we'll play it all our lives. Just until we forget who we are, then it won't be so difficult anymore. It will even feel natural.
I guess I'm in this writing mood due to a situation I went through recently - people close to me actually weren't so honest and not only this: today, I found out a great person died. She was only 24 years old. Her life hadn't been easy at all, but she was an inspiration to all. Her story is here (well, yes, it's in Romanian, sorry): http://totb.ro/fluturii-pleaca-mai-repede-dintre-noi .
La un moment dat in aceasta liniste a inceput "visul evolutiei". In acest vis existenta unica a devenit constienta de ea insasi. In acest vis a aparut si "iluzia timpului". Iluzia trecutului si inchipuirea unui viitor. In realitate exista intotdeauna doar ACUM. In acest ACUM etern se intalnesc timpul si lipsa de timp, se determina deplin reciproc timpul si lipsa de timp. Evolutia inseamna ca samanta este pe cale de a deveni copac. Iluzia viitorului si a scopului determina drumul, ingaduie sa apara iluzia unui drum.
Iluzia timpului este precum o roata. Si asa cum se intampla mereu, doar o parte a rotii poate atinge drumul, asa cum doar o parte a ACUM-ului etern intra in contact cu ceea ce numim noi realitate. Totul este ACUM. Dar prin aceasta apare iluzia unei actiuni, iluzia unui trecut, prezent si viitor. Aceasta iluzie a actiunii are loc doar in exterior, deoarece in mijlocul rotii totul se invarte in jurul sau, iar in punctul de mijloc nu se misca nimic. Astfel apare iluzia, ca ceva apare si dispare din nou. In realitate nu a fost creat nimic niciodata si nimic nu va pieri. Totul este doar un vis, care se incheie la un moment dat. Nimeni nu are noroc, nimeni nu sufera - totul este un vis."
Wagasa 「和傘」, the traditional Japanese umbrella made from bamboo and washi (Japanese paper), is renowned not only for its beauty but also for the precision open/close mechanism.
The first folding umbrellas appeared in Japan around the year 1550
(before that, the only defense against rain were straw hats and capes)
and they were initially luxury items. Later during the Edo period, wagasa
became more accessible and people started using it not only for
protection against rain or sun but also as a fashion accessory. Many ukiyo-e and vintage photos from Japan show women dressed in kimono assorted with matching wagasa.
Actually, wagasa is so popular in the Japanese tradition that it has its own… spirit. This is Tsukumogami, a kind of Japanese spirit said to appear from an object after 100 years, when… it becomes alive. The spirit of wagasa is called Karakasa Obake, umbrella ghost, a monster looking like a folded wagasa, with a single eye and a single foot wearing a geta.
Still known today as a center for the production of traditional
Japanese umbrellas, manufacture of wagasa began in the Kano district
of Gifu City in the middle of the 18th century. At that time, the state
had feudal organization and the local lords had a great deal of economic
and political autonomy within the domains to which they were assigned.
The feudal lord who was transferred in to rule the feudal domain around
Gifu had to contend with a local economy that was devastated by floods.
He saw an opportunity to stimulate local industry and to provide the means
to supplement the living of the impoverished lower samurai (warrior elite)
by encouraging them to make umbrellas.
The local area had a long history of paper making. Mino-washi,
a local product, which was a strong handmade paper due to the long fibers it
contained. Good quality bamboo was to be found in the valley of the Kiso
River, and it was easy to obtain sesame oil and lacquer from the local
mountains, indispensable for water proofing. These advantages made the
area well suited for umbrella making, since the basic construction of Japanese
umbrellas involves affixing paper over a frame of bamboo-strip ribs, and
then applying oil and lacquer for waterproofing.
Production peaked at the beginning of the 20th century,
when over a million umbrellas per year were manufactured. Since then, the
metal-and-cloth Western-style umbrella has become generally used, and the
number of people who use Japanese umbrellas has dwindled. These days, the
local craftworkers make only few tens of thousands of wagasa a year.
The traditional Japanese umbrella uses only natural materials
and, requiring several months to undergo the various separate processes
that are needed for completion, the skilled hands of a dozen seasoned craftworkers
contribute to the finished item. In addition to the usual type of rain
umbrella, Gifu Wagasa also comes in various other types including large
red outdoor parasols that are used to provide shade on outdoor occasions,
such as tea ceremonies.
Then there are smaller colorful buyo-gasa that figure in performances
of traditional
Japanese dance. Gifu Wagasa are an indispensable part of traditional
Japanese art and culture.
Wagasa’s paper is coated with oil to make it waterproof and at the same
time, the coated paper becomes more solid. On the contrary, some Wagasa
parasols are not coated with oil and thus they cannot be used during
rainy days but only as protection from the sun.
The Bangasa umbrellas are usually bigger and thicker, with more ribs and
they tend to be heavier, so they are mostly used by men. The colors are
also simpler. However, there are no restrictions and women can also use
Bangasa. Another type of Wagasa is the Janome Kasa, which on the contrary have less ribs and are lighter while colors can be very varied. These
are mostly used by women.
The production process of Wagasa is completely handmade and takes a long time:
Prepare the material (bamboo, Washi paper, lacquer…)
Build the frame around a wooden core to create the structure
Match the size of the Washi paper to the structure
Attach the paper covering to the bamboo structure with glue and let it dry
Painting and lacquering of the Washi paper
Coating of the paper with linseed oil to make it waterproof
Drying of the coating which can vary from 4 to 15 days
Threads stitching and final decoration
Each part of a Japanese umbrella has a name and a function. For
instance, the Nokizume (see picture below) are the parts of the ribs
sticking out from the umbrella. These are often lacquered in red because
of an ancient Japanese tradition. Indeed, at the beginning the very
first umbrellas were only used by the Imperial family and aristocrats
and they were said to be magical objects that could protect one from evil
spirits and bad events and from this belief came the color red that was
said to help prevent bad things from happening.
To preserve your Wagasa and insure its longevity you should store it
untied and loosened in a well ventilated, dark place. It is also important
to dry it well, for instance with a towel, after using it. It is best
to let it open in a dark place until it is completely dry. Once dry, you
can close it loosely and store it in a dark, well-ventilated place.It
is important to not let the Wagasa in the sun to dry since the colors
and patterns might tarnish.
Finally, it is possible to have your Wagasa umbrella repaired but,
depending on its state, the reparation cost might be higher than the
cost of a new umbrella. The number of artisans being able to do this
reparation is also very limited. When the ribs of the umbrella are
broken, it is then impossible to repair.
The western type of umbrella was brought to Japan during the Meiji period and, over time, completely replaced the wagasa, because of the higher resistance and much lower costs.
However, there are still several workshops producing wagasa in Gifu, Kyoto, Ishikawa, Tottori and Tokushima and wagasa is still used in traditional activities like tea ceremony, kabuki theater, Japanese dances or festivals.
And it feels so cold all of a sudden. The warmth has seeped out of my house, eaten away by the walls that surround me like a prison announcing that truly, another summer has gone. And so the seasons, as the years do too, go by, not even feeling them. And even if it's still the middle of autumn, I start to think about winter. Maybe because I'm so cold. I never liked the cold, even though I'm born in winter. I can't stand grey skies, even though I like the rain, but I like those intenesly blue skies just before a storm. I love those and I would rather be outside than in when they pour over the lands, washing everything away in their path, bringing new smells, new feels, new life.
And I just want to go lie down and forget about it all, at least for a while. My body, my being, my everything craves rest and I just want to drop into a peaceful slumber with no dreams at all. Or maybe I just want a quiet night in a chalet somewhere, just me and the sky and a good book, good tea and a lounge. And of course, a fireplace to keep the cold away.
I'm constantly surprised at how life takes sudden turns and when you wake up, one day is just totally different than the one before. Sometimes in a good way, other times in a bad way, of course. Wisdom passed down through generations of people being afraid of change and I have to say I'm one of them. Or better said, I'm not afraid of small changes, but don't hit me with a big one, 'cause I won't act too good and I won't be nice. I'm not a very nice person anyway... I'm moody! But then, aren't we all a little moody sometimes?
For a few days now I keep wanting to go cut my hair. Really short. But I can't get the time to go. Every day, I think: maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow I think again: uhm, maybe I'll go tomorrow. I'll really go. So, yeah, I'll go tomorrow, too late today.
And I just want to go somewhere and forget about it all for a while. Just for a little while and nobody will know where I have gone because I won't tell anyone. It will be my secret and when I would come back, everyone will notice that there's something different about me. Or maybe I would just have learnt to really breathe again.
And I think I should get out my sweaters. I'm always cold - bad circulation of my life's liquid through my body, so even now, when it's not even winter, I sleep with really warm socks on. So, yeah, I'm always cold and sometimes I feel like I'll never be warm again.
Could it be the really grey and sad day outside my window that's making me feel this way?
I'm going to make a cup of tea. A really good tea that I'll drink in a really fancy cup and then, while drinking it I'll just sit on my lovely couch staring at the opposite wall and I'll imagine I'm a cat. I like cats, they're pretty self-sufficient, they don't cause unnecessary fuss and they mind their own business a great part of their time and they only come when they want food and comfort. So, yeah, I think I'm becoming a great fan.
And I don't know... all those people passing by on a rainy day, not stopping to admire the city in a pouring rain. But I love doing just that! Standing on a sidewalk with a big umbrella protecting me so I won't get too soaked while admiring the view and forgetting to go home... for hours. All those umbrellas and colours and people hurrying by and all those cars with their horns. I think it makes for a pretty interesting sight. And I would rather do it at night, it has a different feel than it does during the day, but then again, as time goes by and I still stand there, day becomes night. Have you ever done this? If not, you should. Experience everything you can, while you can, never let a minute go by without doing something new, something just for you. Your life... your moments... your memories... isn't this all there is?
And here I go again, into the unknown that is my life, a mystery to unfold that changes its way every day, just lightly keeping a general line so you won't get totally lost. And every year, in autumn, I get this nostalgic feeling, like looking for something I have lost. Maybe it's just the summers' feel, air, smells, touch that I have lost. Or maybe because of all this grey covering my horizon I can't see that far away. Maybe it's because of this that I always get the impression that my world is becoming smaller and I'm caught in a web that I can't unfold.
So I'm still here, waiting for the rain, a quiet one this time and at the same time, I'm waiting for the sun to come again. But until then, come have a cup of tea with me! I'll brew something good! So let's have tea together, with no pretence, without our masks on, just us... some people wandering this earth in search of... maybe... ourselves... and the rest of the world.
And even if it's not raining outside yet, it feels like it does inside...
And just like that, summer passed and hardly feeling it, autumn came. All I can think about is that my last summer at home has gone. Each time I think about my leaving, it somehow feels permanent. Like I'm never going to come back here to live, just passing through, to visit. And all of a sudden I start thinking about all the things I would have liked to do here but didn't, all the places I wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to, all the people I would have wanted to see but didn't have the time... Even though I still have 4 months until I leave, it feels like I'm not here anymore. I'm starting to say goodbye to everyhing and everyone. I have moments when I just sit in the hallway and look at my lovely house. It's exactly how I wanted it to be. Well, how we wanted it to be - the us that is no more. Just another story. Feels good and strange at the same time to be alone after almost 8 years of used to being a part of an "us". But if I wouldn't have been alone, I wouldn't have thought about leaving and doing a Master now, at my age. Sometimes I think it's a little late for me to start over with my career and other times it feels like just the right moment. Nothing has ever felt so right. And still, I am afraid of leaving everything I know and start everything from scratch. And again - this ultimate contradiction that is the human mind - I'm thinking that I should be grateful for this chance life has given me to start anew. And I am honestly happy that I will. If I would just allow myself to listen to my heart, I would be at peace. But what fun would that be for my mind? No stress, no worries - just silence and serenity! Would that be so bad? YES! - my mind says. NO! - my heart says.
And there are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see - all over the world! I want to go everywhere! I want to know everything! I want to live, breathe art, creation at its best! And my leaving will give me the chance to do all this.
I can't wait to sit somewhere, anywhere in my new city and just watch people passing by. It will be winter when I arrive, so I may have to wait for spring when I'll be able to take my sketch book with me and my camera. And I can't wait for friends to come visit me - friends from home and from afar. I can't wait to meet my good friend from Canada - we'll go explore Milan again... and maybe even get to Genova where we'll stay at least a day. And of course, passing by the theatre, we'll go eat ice cream.
Time passes so quickly and I don't want to miss out on anything, since the present is all we have! And so my moods are ever changing because my mind and my heart are at conflict despite the fact that the pieces that make up my life are starting to fall into place. Everything is as it should be! I think maybe this should be my new mantra!...
Do you also have those moments when you feel the need to write just to get some semblance of order, just because you can't hold it in anymore and just sitting by yourself, pondering doesn't get you anywhere!? And as you start to write about them - typingfuriously on your computer at first, trying to get everything out at once - after a while you slow down and get a peaceful feeling. Yeah! That's where I am right now! More at peace then when I started this post! And finally, my mind is silent and I am happy again. Happy to be alive, happy to be here, happy at the thought of leaving and starting my new life. Yeah, just that!
