And it feels so cold all of a sudden. The warmth has seeped out of my house, eaten away by the walls that surround me like a prison announcing that truly, another summer has gone. And so the seasons, as the years do too, go by, not even feeling them. And even if it's still the middle of autumn, I start to think about winter. Maybe because I'm so cold. I never liked the cold, even though I'm born in winter. I can't stand grey skies, even though I like the rain, but I like those intenesly blue skies just before a storm. I love those and I would rather be outside than in when they pour over the lands, washing everything away in their path, bringing new smells, new feels, new life.
And I just want to go lie down and forget about it all, at least for a while. My body, my being, my everything craves rest and I just want to drop into a peaceful slumber with no dreams at all. Or maybe I just want a quiet night in a chalet somewhere, just me and the sky and a good book, good tea and a lounge. And of course, a fireplace to keep the cold away.
I'm constantly surprised at how life takes sudden turns and when you wake up, one day is just totally different than the one before. Sometimes in a good way, other times in a bad way, of course. Wisdom passed down through generations of people being afraid of change and I have to say I'm one of them. Or better said, I'm not afraid of small changes, but don't hit me with a big one, 'cause I won't act too good and I won't be nice. I'm not a very nice person anyway... I'm moody! But then, aren't we all a little moody sometimes?
For a few days now I keep wanting to go cut my hair. Really short. But I can't get the time to go. Every day, I think: maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow I think again: uhm, maybe I'll go tomorrow. I'll really go. So, yeah, I'll go tomorrow, too late today.
And I just want to go somewhere and forget about it all for a while. Just for a little while and nobody will know where I have gone because I won't tell anyone. It will be my secret and when I would come back, everyone will notice that there's something different about me. Or maybe I would just have learnt to really breathe again.
And I think I should get out my sweaters. I'm always cold - bad circulation of my life's liquid through my body, so even now, when it's not even winter, I sleep with really warm socks on. So, yeah, I'm always cold and sometimes I feel like I'll never be warm again.
Could it be the really grey and sad day outside my window that's making me feel this way?
I'm going to make a cup of tea. A really good tea that I'll drink in a really fancy cup and then, while drinking it I'll just sit on my lovely couch staring at the opposite wall and I'll imagine I'm a cat. I like cats, they're pretty self-sufficient, they don't cause unnecessary fuss and they mind their own business a great part of their time and they only come when they want food and comfort. So, yeah, I think I'm becoming a great fan.
And I don't know... all those people passing by on a rainy day, not stopping to admire the city in a pouring rain. But I love doing just that! Standing on a sidewalk with a big umbrella protecting me so I won't get too soaked while admiring the view and forgetting to go home... for hours. All those umbrellas and colours and people hurrying by and all those cars with their horns. I think it makes for a pretty interesting sight. And I would rather do it at night, it has a different feel than it does during the day, but then again, as time goes by and I still stand there, day becomes night. Have you ever done this? If not, you should. Experience everything you can, while you can, never let a minute go by without doing something new, something just for you. Your life... your moments... your memories... isn't this all there is?
And here I go again, into the unknown that is my life, a mystery to unfold that changes its way every day, just lightly keeping a general line so you won't get totally lost. And every year, in autumn, I get this nostalgic feeling, like looking for something I have lost. Maybe it's just the summers' feel, air, smells, touch that I have lost. Or maybe because of all this grey covering my horizon I can't see that far away. Maybe it's because of this that I always get the impression that my world is becoming smaller and I'm caught in a web that I can't unfold.
So I'm still here, waiting for the rain, a quiet one this time and at the same time, I'm waiting for the sun to come again. But until then, come have a cup of tea with me! I'll brew something good! So let's have tea together, with no pretence, without our masks on, just us... some people wandering this earth in search of... maybe... ourselves... and the rest of the world.
And even if it's not raining outside yet, it feels like it does inside...
