Autumn feel

And it feels so cold all of a sudden. The warmth has seeped out of my house, eaten away by the walls that surround me like a prison announcing that truly, another summer has gone. And so the seasons, as the years do too, go by, not even feeling them. And even if it's still the middle of autumn, I start to think about winter. Maybe because I'm so cold. I never liked the cold, even though I'm born in winter. I can't stand grey skies, even though I like the rain, but I like those intenesly blue skies just before a storm. I love those and I would rather be outside than in when they pour over the lands, washing everything away in their path, bringing new smells, new feels, new life.

And I just want to go lie down and forget about it all, at least for a while. My body, my being, my everything craves rest and I just want to drop into a peaceful slumber with no dreams at all. Or maybe I just want a quiet night in a chalet somewhere, just me and the sky and a good book, good tea and a lounge. And of course, a fireplace to keep the cold away. 

I'm constantly surprised at how life takes sudden turns and when you wake up, one day is just totally different than the one before. Sometimes in a good way, other times in a bad way, of course. Wisdom passed down through generations of people being afraid of change and I have to say I'm one of them. Or better said, I'm not afraid of small changes, but don't hit me with a big one, 'cause I won't act too good and I won't be nice. I'm not a very nice person anyway... I'm moody! But then, aren't we all a little moody sometimes? 

For a few days now I keep wanting to go cut my hair. Really short. But I can't get the time to go. Every day, I think: maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow I think again: uhm, maybe I'll go tomorrow. I'll really go. So, yeah, I'll go tomorrow, too late today.

And I just want to go somewhere and forget about it all for a while. Just for a little while and nobody will know where I have gone because I won't tell anyone. It will be my secret and when I would come back, everyone will notice that there's something different about me. Or maybe I would just have learnt to really breathe again.

And I think I should get out my sweaters. I'm always cold - bad circulation of my life's liquid through my body, so even now, when it's not even winter, I sleep with really warm socks on. So, yeah, I'm always cold and sometimes I feel like I'll never be warm again. 

Could it be the really grey and sad day outside my window that's making me feel this way? 

I'm going to make a cup of tea. A really good tea that I'll drink in a really fancy cup and then, while drinking it I'll just sit on my lovely couch staring at the opposite wall and I'll imagine I'm a cat. I like cats, they're pretty self-sufficient, they don't cause unnecessary fuss and they mind their own business a great part of their time and they only come when they want food and comfort. So, yeah, I think I'm becoming a great fan.

 And I don't know... all those people passing by on a rainy day, not stopping to admire the city in a pouring rain. But I love doing just that! Standing on a sidewalk with a big umbrella protecting me so I won't get too soaked while admiring the view and forgetting to go home... for hours. All those umbrellas and colours and people hurrying by and all those cars with their horns. I think it makes for a pretty interesting sight. And I would rather do it at night, it has a different feel than it does during the day, but then again, as time goes by and I still stand there, day becomes night. Have you ever done this? If not, you should. Experience everything you can, while you can, never let a minute go by without doing something new, something just for you. Your life... your moments... your memories... isn't this all there is?

And here I go again, into the unknown that is my life, a mystery to unfold that changes its way every day, just lightly keeping a general line so you won't get totally lost. And every year, in autumn, I get this nostalgic feeling, like looking for something I have lost. Maybe it's just the summers' feel, air, smells, touch that I have lost. Or maybe because of all this grey covering my horizon I can't see that far away. Maybe it's because of this that I always get the impression that my world is becoming smaller and I'm caught in a web that I can't unfold.

So I'm still here, waiting for the rain, a quiet one this time and at the same time, I'm waiting for the sun to come again. But until then, come have a cup of tea with me! I'll brew something good! So let's have tea together, with no pretence, without our masks on, just us... some people wandering this earth in search of... maybe... ourselves... and the rest of the world.

And even if it's not raining outside yet, it feels like it does inside...

Just... me

And just like that, summer passed and hardly feeling it, autumn came. All I can think about is that my last summer at home has gone. Each time I think about my leaving, it somehow feels permanent. Like I'm never going to come back here to live, just passing through, to visit. And all of a sudden I start thinking about all the things I would have liked to do here but didn't, all the places I wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to, all the people I would have wanted to see but didn't have the time... Even though I still have 4 months until I leave, it feels like I'm not here anymore. I'm starting to say goodbye to everyhing and everyone. I have moments when I just sit in the hallway and look at my lovely house. It's exactly how I wanted it to be. Well, how we wanted it to be - the us that is no more. Just another story. Feels good and strange at the same time to be alone after almost 8 years of used to being a part of an "us". But if I wouldn't have been alone, I wouldn't have thought about leaving and doing a Master now, at my age. Sometimes I think it's a little late for me to start over with my career and other times it feels like just the right moment. Nothing has ever felt so right. And still, I am afraid of leaving everything I know and start everything from scratch. And again - this ultimate contradiction that is the human mind - I'm thinking that I should be grateful for this chance life has given me to start anew. And I am honestly happy that I will. If I would just allow myself to listen to my heart, I would be at peace. But what fun would that be for my mind? No stress, no worries - just silence and serenity! Would that be so bad? YES! - my mind says. NO! - my heart says. 

And there are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see - all over the world! I want to go everywhere! I want to know everything! I want to live, breathe art, creation at its best! And my leaving will give me the chance to do all this.

I can't wait to sit somewhere, anywhere in my new city and just watch people passing by. It will be winter when I arrive, so I may have to wait for spring when I'll be able to take my sketch book with me and my camera. And I can't wait for friends to come visit me - friends from home and from afar. I can't wait to meet my good friend from Canada - we'll go explore Milan again... and maybe even get to Genova where we'll stay at least a day. And of course, passing by the theatre, we'll go eat ice cream.

Time passes so quickly and I don't want to miss out on anything, since the present is all we have! And so my moods are ever changing because my mind and my heart are at conflict despite the fact that the pieces that make up my life are starting to fall into place. Everything is as it should be! I think maybe this should be my new mantra!...

Do you also have those moments when you feel the need to write just to get some semblance of order, just because you can't hold it in anymore and just sitting by yourself, pondering doesn't get you anywhere!? And as you start to write about them - typing furiously on your computer at first, trying to get everything out at once - after a while you slow down and get a peaceful feeling. Yeah! That's where I am right now! More at peace then when I started this post! And finally, my mind is silent and I am happy again. Happy to be alive, happy to be here, happy at the thought of leaving and starting my new life. Yeah, just that!

Goodnight everyone!

À Peine Défigurée

Adieu tristesse,
Bonjour tristesse.
Tu es inscrite dans les lignes du plafond.
Tu es inscrite dans les yeux que j’aime
Tu n’es pas tout à fait la misère,
Car les lèvres les plus pauvres te dénoncent
Par un sourire.

Bonjour tristesse.
Amour des corps aimables.
Puissance de l’amour
Dont l’amabilité surgit
Comme un monstre sans corps.
Tête désappointée.
Tristesse, beau visage.

 

Paul Éluard

The Network - connections

“I do believe in an everyday sort of magic -- the inexplicable connectedness we sometimes experience with places, people, works of art and the like; the eerie appropriateness of moments of synchronicity; the whispered voice, the hidden presence, when we think we're alone.”
  Charles de Lint

 

I was in the office one day and suddenly it was like I was hearing all these voices. Some were just separate words, some were sentences, some were laughs, some were tears... were did they come from? Well, from all over the Earth. It was like I could hear what everyone was saying and feel what everyone was feeling. All these different emotions, some very painful, some ecstatic, words of rage, words of wisdom, words of comfort... and many many more.

I felt that I should take a piece of paper and a pencil to write everything down. At some point I got the impression that all these words and feelings - well, actually the feelings people were experiencing transferred into words - were making circles around the Earth. Going from and eventually coming back to their owners. But only after they had touched everyone else's souls. And they were what we were all feeling, more or less. The same emotions, just different situations. 

And in that moment, I felt so connected with everyone. It was like seeing the person who felt something, said a word, a sentence and then in the next second I would pass to the next person. It was amazing experiencing this because that was probably the first time I felt such a deep connection with everyone.

I love the Internet! I really do! Besides the huge amount of information you can find in this virtual - actually non existent space, and at the same time existent space - life happens. People you meet in this space just through a click, friends you may have lost touch with appear out of nowhere, colleagues and so on. And from time to time, you happen to stumble upon someone who is on the same wavelenght as you as no one else is. It's like they read your thoughts, they're inside your mind, they're inside your soul. 

I think about them as very sensitive beings, people who perceive the subtle world, the reality of what is. So far, it's happened to me twice. I find it incredible and a little scary at the same time. Reading my thoughts and feelings on that person's blog or post, hearing them out loud. And then I stop and think: ahhhh, but aren't we made of the same energy? Isn't what I'm feeling now the same - more or less - as what some other person felt or will feel? I can't explain it very well - what it is I'm feeling in regard to this because it is such a powerful emotion, I can not express it in words.

Sometimes, I feel so in tune with what someone is saying or writes that I would start to cry. Just like that. Their words may remind me of something, of lives past, of feelings I once had, situations I have been in, a past love... And every time, I am overwhelmed by this sense of wonder. And I just want to ask: how did you know? how did you know what I was feeling, that's exactly what I wanted to say but I couldn't put into words. 

Connections - I think it's all about being connected. With yourself, with others, with the Universe. I feel I got a little lost on the way, but coming back on track, a little more every day.

And in this huge network, I am waiting... and so are you. And I'm sure we'll meet someday. And I'm sure my tears will fall then too, tears of happiness, for I have found you... again. And in that moment, I will be complete. We are all mirrors for each other. Finding you - finding me - I will find myself. You are me and I am you. There is no separation. Only the space it takes to make that one step that will finally bring us face to face. That space between the acts of this play we have been acting for so many years... millennia. For we are old, you and I. The time we have been apart - just the space it takes to pass from one life to another...

Desolation... and a promise

On a field... somewhere... only desolation can be found. It looks like a deserted piece of the Earth that floats, with no apparent aim. The terrible heat of the sun makes it worse - burning the land, burning the crops, burning the grass - no rain in sight! When did it last rain? People don't remember. Lucky cow still found grass to chew, making its way through the thorns. You could hear the earth crying, screaming, as if in pain, but not only from the heat - there is garbage everywhere. The crops have been invaded and through the waste, food still grows. Food that people still pick to eat. Has garbage become the best fertilizer? 

No apparent hope for the crops as people just stand and watch them fade due to the heat wave. A heat wave that is hard to bear, even for humans. Measures taken? None! Irrigation? Ha? What is that? I don't care, I'll just wait for the rain. And if it doesn't come, well, that's too bad then, but at least I'll still have someting to complain about. Because, you see, if I can't complain and paint myself as the victim I don't feel well. Measures? What measures? Get out of here! There is nothing I can do. Have I tried to do something? Of course, not - there is nothing I can do, I tell you. It's too tiring to even try.

Will we ever change? Will we even once try to change something? Try to save something - these lands, ourselves... trying to grab the future without living the present. Rows and rows of dried crops, of dried people, of dried souls. How did we come to this? This indolence for everything!? I feel like screaming: wake up! We're still alive! Live! Love! Feel! But all I get is an echo...

 

 Among the burned sunflowers, there is still a survivor. A promise of good things to come, of never giving up. The battle with ourselves. That, I think, is the hardest.

 And yet we all yearn to be free, to be who we want to be, not who others think we should be. So many give opinions on how they think we should live our lives, but they don't know who we truly are and they haven't and never will live our life for us, so what do they really know? In their fear of really starting to live, they try to enclose us with rules and restrictions. 

'And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' 

Nietzsche

And so, alone we stand in our search.

But stand alone we must. For only after finding our true selves can we completely open up to others and offer our love, understanding, friendship, touch... our true entity.

And I think kindness can change the world. 

'I shall not pass this way but once; any good, therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.'

 And so, I find that the pieces of my faded heart which I had thought had stopped beating, is actually whole again. The only restrictions, limitations that I still face are of my own making, I understand that now. And I imagine a world in which everyone just stops for a moment and takes this time to listen... to themselves, to their true nature, discovering that they are free!

No longer caught in the web of fear, of deceit, of running away from everything and anyone that could make them feel! And so, I continue my journey. Each day, each moment, I discover new things about myself, about others, I sometimes feel like crying and screaming from the pain I feel coming from me - evolution kind of hurts sometimes - from others, from the earth. But then I smile and think of how wonderful it is to be feeling so many things! And I am happy that I have people around me to share my moments with!

A promise and a hope of a better tomorrow! A hope of love and understanding and helping each other. And with this tought, I conclude my journey of today and I truly hope we will be able to find this wonderful, caring, playful, smart dog a home! She is about two years old and in need of love!

foto: Alexandra Dumitrescu

 

PE GÂNDURI - George Bacovia

            Fiindcă nu ştiam ce să fac, mi se pare că scriam în noaptea aceea, în pat, privindu-mi, din când în când, umbra pe perete, sau ascultam tăcerea nopţii care nu trebuie să fie ascultată…Se părea că exist, şi chiar mă speriam că exist.

            Se ştie aceasta din cărţile adânci, sau nebuneşti, unde se vorbeşte foarte mult despre om, ca ceva foarte periculos sau foarte măreţ, care a greşit de la început şi greşeşte mereu, de nu se mai înţelege nimic.

            Tot oamenii au spus că sunt prea mulţi oameni, şi de aceea, mă gândeam la câmpiile depărtate, şi la izolare…

            Dacă în noaptea aceea mai treceau drumeţi întârziaţi vorbind tare lucruri prea cunoscute, dar cu importanţa lor, am înţeles că e mai bine să stau fără a cugeta nici ziua, nici noaptea. Se poate, însă, spune ceea ce ar putea spune şi alţii…

            Supraalimetaţia sau alimentaţia sunt recomandate pentru a se evita fuga pământului şi ameţeala produsă de astre.

            …Ea, care nu era prinsă de aceste întrebări, deşi era palidă şi ca bătută de vânt, voia în noaptea caldă să-şi liniştească o legănare amoroasă, pe banca ascunsă în fundul grădinii ce se termina fără îngrădire, într-o margine a pământului.

            Privighetoarea cânta pe când am intrat s-o aştept pe banca aceea şi, luna repeta lumină şi întuneric prin nouri. Erau şi foşniri, şi dacă era şi trist, fiecare ştie şi nu se poate reda.

            Ea sosi târziu…pe când aproape uitasem pentru ce am venit…Aşteptam răsăritul soarelui, sau mă deprinsesem să fiu singur…Ea spunea că totul e potrivit de frumos şi că privighetoarea va înceta pentru a se auzi curând ciocârlia; aburii se vor ridica de pe ape şi zorii vor fi dureroşi prentu cei care au uitat să vorbească…Întâlnirile de noapte sunt prea instructive…şi povestiri enervante.

            Va trebui, altă dată, s-o aştept ziua, prin grădini publice…Da, e interesant să scriu ceea ce spunea ea şi ea dispăru printre copacii deşi, iar eu – pe drumurile pustii…Curba pământului fuge…Astrele sunt ameţitoare…A te destăinui, însă, prea mult, e înstristător… 

Fuori tempo

Ed è come ti avevo sognato ma non riuscivo a ricordare chi eri.  Forse eri uno fantasma, forse eri solo il prodotto della mia immaginazione. Il cielo... hmmmm... sono anni da quando non lo vedo più. Sai, sto sempre aspettando una lettera da te - ma non arriva mai. Mi piacerebe sappere dove sei. In paesi stranieri? Paesi stranieri per me... Sai, ancora non lo so... sono ancora viva o sono già morta? Che è già da qualche tempo che non mi sento più. O forse si. Non sono sicura. Che le mie lacrime - le sento; i miei brividi-  li sento; ma non sento più il calore del sole sulla pelle. E nemmeno il freddo non lo sento più. Tutte queste cose mi spaventano un po'. Forse sono già scomparsa da questo mondo e ho solo lasciato l'ombra che se ne è perduta. Forse è solo lei che plana su questo mondo, su di te... Ma ti cerco ancora... dove sei? Perché non mi rispondi? Ahhhh... adesso ho capito chi sei. Ma certo, sei l'altra parte di me. Non me ne avevo resa conto che mi mancavi. Perché sai, il mio corpo, non c'e più. E'tutto fatto di aria. Sì, sì, è così, è proprio così. Quante scoperte stasera! Ma è sera? E notte? E giorno? Che per me proprio non c'e nessuna differenza. Sono malata! Sì, sono proprio malata! Di quella malattia chiamata solitudine! Siamo buone compagne, io e lei. Mi piace molto. Penso che sia già cronica, e in questo caso, non mi lascerà mai. Ma non so che ho questa sera. Solo una tua foto mi ha fatto pensare ai vecchi tempi. Sai, quelli che non sono più, ma li ricordi e pensi: ahhhh, forse li ho sognati? Ma li abbiamo veramente vissuti?

Credo che e già sera, o forse la notte è già venuta quando non ero attenta. Si sente la pioggia. Sai quanto adoro l'aroma della terra dopo la pioggia? E un'aroma che dà l'impressione che tutto rinascera nel secondo successivo.

E mi ricordo una canzone che era così:

Amo questa canzone... Mi sento come svegliata da un brutto sogno. Le mie parole... non hanno senso. Not being able to say anything, not being able to do anything. Just watching, powerless,as life unfolds. My tears, my feelings, my thoughts: they hurt. Ma chi sono io? Chi sei tu? Siamo la stessa persona dici? Ahhhh - tu sei il corpo, io sono l'anima! 

E alla fine, non siamo mai soli... ma questa sera, permettimi di sentirmi sola... Knowledge is sometimes a burden... tanta responsabilità sulle mie spalle. "The winner is always alone" ... o forse ho solo i miei momenti... Winner!? Credo davvero che siamo tutti perdenti in questa battaglia con noi stessi, con la vita, con il tempo... 

O forse è solo la malinconia di oggi... o forse è la foto che ho trovato su le onde delle connessioni formate chissà dove...

foto di Comeprincipe