„Viaţa este o joacă. O joc. Dacă respiraţia îmi dă viaţă, atunci inspir cu toată fiinţa mea. Dacă iubirea îmi aduce lumină, atunci mă înec în ea. Dacă râsul îmi aduce stele, atunci râd cu toată lumea. Dacă lacrimile mă purifică, atunci plâng în fiecare zi. Dacă durerea îmi aduce noi dezvăluiri şi cunoaştere, atunci o simt. Sunt vântul – liberă, uşoară, trecând prin vieţile oamenilor, lăsând o mângâiere. Sunt apa, trecând prin oameni, cunoscând fiecare celulă a corpurilor lor ca şi cum ar fi ale mele. Sunt focul, aprinzând pasiuni şi iubiri care aduc creaţie şi o nouă viaţă. Sunt pământul, dându-le stabilitate, ceva de care să se sprijine când se simt pierduţi. Sunt iubirea pe care o împart şi o simt. Eu sunt în ei, astfel încât să fiu înconjurată de emoţii, căldură şi mângâieri, râsete şi lacrimi. EU SUNT TOTUL. EU SUNT.”
‘That’s another thing no one tells you about death. That every emotion – good or bad – is blown up and magnified, rendered more vivid than you could possibly imagine. We’re temporarily shaken out of the ridiculous mass delusion that we’re immortal, forced to realize that one day the world will carry on without us in it. Perhaps there’s something weirdly galvanizing and exhilarating about knowing in your very bones that life is short.’
‘Mr. Almost Right’ – Eleanor Moran
I really liked this book about the search for Mr. Right, the trials of trying to find your true self in a too crowded world, full of illusions. Costume designer Lulu and her twin sister Alice, a school teacher dating a man with anger management problems will make you laugh, cry, hold your breath and smile at the end, when things don’t quite turn out how you would have expected them to, but better. Mix in some crazy friends, Zelda – Lulu’s boss, an award winning costume designer and her tragic story, actor Charlie who’s too involved with himself and apparently falls for Lulu and that wouldn’t be such a problem if he weren’t married, Gareth – Lulu’s gay, super nice colleague and Ali – the very nice policeman who’s trying to win Lulu’s heart.
And on the same theme, of love and death, but on a more profound note is the book ‘The One I Love’ by Anna McPartlin which I really really loved. It made me cry more than once, it made smile and laugh, but most of all it made me think about my life, my relationships with others, about my selfish nature and the importance of telling your loved ones ‘I love you’, ‘I care’, ‘I miss you’… every time you have the chance, because you never know what might happen. We’re all ‘dust in the wind’ anyway, but make every second count. Live like you have never lived before and treasure yourself more.
Cand iubirea va face semn, urmati-i indemnul, Chiar daca drumurile-i sunt grele si prapastioase, Si cand aripile-i va cuprind, supuneti-va ei, Chiar daca sabia ascunsa-n penaju-i v-ar putea rani, Iar cand va vorbeste dati-i crezare, Chiar daca vocea-i ar putea sa va sfarme visurile, asemenea vantului de miazanoapte care va pustieste gradinile. Fiindca, precum iubirea va incununa, ea trebuie sa va si crucifice. Precum va face sa cresteti, ea trebuie sa va si reteze uscaciunile. Precum ea se ridica la inaltimea voastra, alintandu-va ramurile cele mai fragile care freamata in lumina soarelui, Tot la fel va razbate pana in adancul radacinilor voastre, Zdruncinand inclestarea lor cu pamantul. Asemeni snopilor de grau, ea va secera. Va treiera pentru a va decoji. Va vantura spre a va curata de pleava. Va macina pana la inalbirea fainii. Va framanta pana ajungeti foarte supusi, Ca apoi sa va harazeasca focului sau, si sa puteti deveni painea sfanta la ospatul divin. Toate acestea vi le va da iubirea, pentru ca, astfel, sa va puteti cunoaste tainele inimii, si astfel sa deveniti o parte din inima Vietii. Dar daca, stapaniti de teama, veti cauta doar tihna si placerea dragostei, Atunci e mai bine sa va acoperiti goliciunea si sa iesiti din treierisul iubirii, Spre a va intoarce in lumea fara de anotimpuri, unde veti rade, dar nu cu intreaga voastra bucurie si unde veti plange, dar nu in toate lacrimile voastre. Iubirea nu se daruie decat pe sine si nu ia decat de la sine. Iubirea nu stapaneste si nu vrea sa fie stapanita; Fiindca iubirii ii e de-ajuns iubirea. Cand iubiti, nu trebuie sa spuneti “Creatorul este in inima mea” ci mai degraba “eu sunt in inima Creatorului”. Si sa nu credeti ca puteti croi singuri drumul iubirii, fiindca iubirea, daca o meritati, va va arata drumul spre ea insasi. Iubirea nu are alta dorinta decat aceea de a se implini. Dar daca iubesti si trebuie sa ai dorinte, fie ca ele acestea sa fie: Sa te topesti si sa devii izvor ce susurul in noapte-si canta; Sa cunosti durerea prea marii duiosii; Sa fii ranit de intelegerea iubirii Sa sangerezi de bunavoie si bucurandu-te, Sa te trezesti in zori cu inima inaripata si sa inalti multumire pentru inca o zi de iubire; Sa te odihnesti la ceasul amiezii si sa cugeti la extazul iubirii; Sa te intorci impacat acasa la ora amurgului; Si apoi, sa dormi inaltand in inima o ruga pentru cel iubit, iar pe buze un cantec de lauda.
I hurt. I love. I laugh. I cry. You know what – I feel! I hope. I dream. I create. But I am also the one who destroys. You know, we are all creators in this universe! You smile. I laugh. He shouts. She rises her face to the Sun. He howls at the Moon. We are! In this impossibly beautiful place between the Sun and the Moon. In the centre of it all. I dreamed I was here. I dreamed I was you. You dreamed you were me
and then we all dreamed about everything there is – the same energy that
flows through you, flows through me and only then do we realise that we
are All There Is and All There is us and then and only then will we be
able to fly to the Moon. It makes no sense to you, does it? Just felt like writing about this
world and the next. About the one I saw in my dreams and in yours. About the smiles of the children playing in the dirty streets outside
this room, about the endless sky that we all gaze at and try to reach
every time we say a prayer. About the animals outside this space we made for them. About their
right to live, about the way they give so much love, about the way we
could all love them and see them, “feel” them for who they really are. About all those things that are around us, but we ignore, but we could get to know if only we opened up a bit. You know, the world could be different – it could be heaven on Earth
because heaven is something we alone can create for ourselves. As well
as happiness and love. Just truly live for once, please!!!
You feel like you’re alone. And yet you’re not. You think you fell too hard this time to get up. And yet, you do. You think everything is lost. And yet, when you allow yourself to open up again, you realize so many possibilities are opened for you. You just have to take a chance. Again! With your heart, with your emotions, with your life.
Colours… everywhere.
The red nose and cheeks you get from the winter’s cold.
Taking a walk in the snow.
The smell of spring.
The laziness of summer.
An autumn rain.
From heart to heart… they sing.
It’s a song with notes you don’t get to hear until you allow yourself to laugh. Again. For the first time in a long while.
To trust again.
That everything will be alright.
That life doesn’t give you more than you can handle. And it always gives it with love. As after every painful situation you go through, you come back stronger.
I woke up thinking – today is not a good day. In fact, it sucks! But maybe, just maybe… after my self pity party is gone, I’ll see the sun again.
The sun in my heart. The sun in my friends’ hearts.
Life will be beautiful again. And actually, if I were honest, I think it’s always beautiful – because, you know, we’re here!
I just… want to be able to allow myself to be completely opened to the happiness that’s waiting for me… at the end of today. No later than tomorrow.
E poi, sai, sono andata via. Perché non potevo più vivere con la solitudine in quella casa in mezzo al mare... La tempesta è venuta un giorno, così, senza preavviso. Non mi aveva detto niente, è semplicemente venuta. Io non li avevo fatto niente. Forse sei stato tu ad arabiarla quando te ne sei andato senza dire niente. Eppure ti sentivo ancora... da qualche parte del mondo. Questo mondo vasto e solitaro... dell'acqua... questo azzurro che mi fa confondere la nostra casa con il cielo. E così mi sono un po' perduta... in cammino... verso te... andavo a cercarti. Non mi hai lasciato niente... nessuna parola... nessun sorriso... nessun pianto... nessuna traccia di te non ho trovato, eppure ho cercato. In mezzo al mare sono caduta. Se torni, non mi troverai più qui. Sai, sono andata via. In quel momento nel quale la mia disperazione aveva raggiunto il punto culminante, allora ho scoperto una nuova vita... la vita dall'altra parte del cielo. L'altra metà del cielo... l'altra metà del'aqua... e sono partita. Tra le onde e le nuvole ho scoperto il sole. Ho scoperto il mio respiro. E ho preso uno, poi un altro... e di nuovo, non riuscivo a fermarmi. E 'stato in quel momento - quando mi sono accorta che ero viva! Eppure sì, eppure no! Sono io e non lo sono! Sono tua, eppure sono mia. Oppure tu sei me e io sono te! Vai via, vai via! Io non ti voglio qui! Non ti voglio più qui! Mi fai proprio paura! Ma sei diventato proprio come uno specchio! O lo sei stato sempre? Ma ogni volta che ti guardo, vedo me!? Ma come è possibile? Siamo latti della stessa anima? Siamo lo stesso corpo? No! Non puo essere! Allora vuol dire che non sono stata mai sola - neanche quando sei partito? Vuoi dirmi che così viviamo noi, questi esseri che ci chiamano uomini, insieme, uno nel altro? E alla fine, credo che hai ragione... perché, vedi, sentiamo tutti gli stessi dolori, piangiamo le stesse lacrime, ridiamo, ci danno gioia le stesse cose e ci fanno felici i stessi fatti semplici della vita... e poi, sai, siamo ognugno di noi speciale e differente dal altro, ma allo stesso tempo siamo uguali. Che le nostre anime sentano! Che le nostre anime amino! Che le nostre anime piangano! E io ti amo! Sì! Ti amo! Con tutto quello che ho dentro di me - ti regalo me! Così, come sono! Un po' brutta, un po' maliziosa, un po' felice e a volte un po' triste, un po' egoista, un po' timorosa della vita, un po' troppo impulsiva, un po'... come dirti, un po' troppo di tutto. E se tutto questo è un sogno, non voglio svegliarmi mai! Adesso lo so... sei partito per darmi l'opportunità di scoprire il mondo. Sei il sentimento più bello che io abbia mai sentito! Sei il cielo più chiaro che io abbia mai visto! Sei il sorriso più caro del mondo! Quanto amo la tua faccia felice e i tuoi occhi chiari che mi guardano con tanta gentilezza... e ti sento come una carezza nella notte fredda di me stessa... E sono andata lì, laggiù, dentro di me per scoprirmi... E sai quando l'ho fatto? Dopo che sei partito! Eh, sì! Puoi credere che la gente non pensa che quando mi hai lasciato mi hai amato di più? Quel abbandono non è stato considerato una prove d'amore ma un atto terribile? E non è stato proprio un abbandono. No! E stato solo una pausa... che tu mi hai datto per ritrovarmi, per scoprirmi, per allungare le mie alli e volare. Amore, sono tornata! Sono tornata da te... e questo è il mio regalo per te. Non si puo comparare al tuo, ma poi, non li compariamo, vero? Solo amiamo! Ti regalo me! Sono io... la libertà, la felicità, l'aria, il profumo dei fiori più belli. Sono io... solamente io e ti amerò per sempre... nella tua anima mi trovo. Lì, dove ti trovo anche a te. Dove ci amiamo, dove siamo solamente noi... nudi con i nostri sentimenti. Noi - senza maschere! Noi, quelli che amano. Noi, tutti gli uomini che ci troviamo su questa terra oggi! Ed io... che ti amo! Mondo! Ti amo!
P.S. Forse ho fatto degli errori, sapete, sto ancora imparando l'italiano, ma ho pensato che suona così bello in italiano che non ho potuto fare a meno di scrivere.
And it feels so cold all of a sudden. The warmth has seeped out of my house, eaten away by the walls that surround me like a prison announcing that truly, another summer has gone. And so the seasons, as the years do too, go by, not even feeling them. And even if it's still the middle of autumn, I start to think about winter. Maybe because I'm so cold. I never liked the cold, even though I'm born in winter. I can't stand grey skies, even though I like the rain, but I like those intenesly blue skies just before a storm. I love those and I would rather be outside than in when they pour over the lands, washing everything away in their path, bringing new smells, new feels, new life.
And I just want to go lie down and forget about it all, at least for a while. My body, my being, my everything craves rest and I just want to drop into a peaceful slumber with no dreams at all. Or maybe I just want a quiet night in a chalet somewhere, just me and the sky and a good book, good tea and a lounge. And of course, a fireplace to keep the cold away.
I'm constantly surprised at how life takes sudden turns and when you wake up, one day is just totally different than the one before. Sometimes in a good way, other times in a bad way, of course. Wisdom passed down through generations of people being afraid of change and I have to say I'm one of them. Or better said, I'm not afraid of small changes, but don't hit me with a big one, 'cause I won't act too good and I won't be nice. I'm not a very nice person anyway... I'm moody! But then, aren't we all a little moody sometimes?
For a few days now I keep wanting to go cut my hair. Really short. But I can't get the time to go. Every day, I think: maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow I think again: uhm, maybe I'll go tomorrow. I'll really go. So, yeah, I'll go tomorrow, too late today.
And I just want to go somewhere and forget about it all for a while. Just for a little while and nobody will know where I have gone because I won't tell anyone. It will be my secret and when I would come back, everyone will notice that there's something different about me. Or maybe I would just have learnt to really breathe again.
And I think I should get out my sweaters. I'm always cold - bad circulation of my life's liquid through my body, so even now, when it's not even winter, I sleep with really warm socks on. So, yeah, I'm always cold and sometimes I feel like I'll never be warm again.
Could it be the really grey and sad day outside my window that's making me feel this way?
I'm going to make a cup of tea. A really good tea that I'll drink in a really fancy cup and then, while drinking it I'll just sit on my lovely couch staring at the opposite wall and I'll imagine I'm a cat. I like cats, they're pretty self-sufficient, they don't cause unnecessary fuss and they mind their own business a great part of their time and they only come when they want food and comfort. So, yeah, I think I'm becoming a great fan.
And I don't know... all those people passing by on a rainy day, not stopping to admire the city in a pouring rain. But I love doing just that! Standing on a sidewalk with a big umbrella protecting me so I won't get too soaked while admiring the view and forgetting to go home... for hours. All those umbrellas and colours and people hurrying by and all those cars with their horns. I think it makes for a pretty interesting sight. And I would rather do it at night, it has a different feel than it does during the day, but then again, as time goes by and I still stand there, day becomes night. Have you ever done this? If not, you should. Experience everything you can, while you can, never let a minute go by without doing something new, something just for you. Your life... your moments... your memories... isn't this all there is?
And here I go again, into the unknown that is my life, a mystery to unfold that changes its way every day, just lightly keeping a general line so you won't get totally lost. And every year, in autumn, I get this nostalgic feeling, like looking for something I have lost. Maybe it's just the summers' feel, air, smells, touch that I have lost. Or maybe because of all this grey covering my horizon I can't see that far away. Maybe it's because of this that I always get the impression that my world is becoming smaller and I'm caught in a web that I can't unfold.
So I'm still here, waiting for the rain, a quiet one this time and at the same time, I'm waiting for the sun to come again. But until then, come have a cup of tea with me! I'll brew something good! So let's have tea together, with no pretence, without our masks on, just us... some people wandering this earth in search of... maybe... ourselves... and the rest of the world.
And even if it's not raining outside yet, it feels like it does inside...
Adieu tristesse, Bonjour tristesse. Tu es inscrite dans les lignes du plafond. Tu es inscrite dans les yeux que j’aime Tu n’es pas tout à fait la misère, Car les lèvres les plus pauvres te dénoncent Par un sourire.
Bonjour tristesse. Amour des corps aimables. Puissance de l’amour Dont l’amabilité surgit Comme un monstre sans corps. Tête désappointée. Tristesse, beau visage.
