And just like that, summer passed and hardly feeling it, autumn came. All I can think about is that my last summer at home has gone. Each time I think about my leaving, it somehow feels permanent. Like I'm never going to come back here to live, just passing through, to visit. And all of a sudden I start thinking about all the things I would have liked to do here but didn't, all the places I wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to, all the people I would have wanted to see but didn't have the time... Even though I still have 4 months until I leave, it feels like I'm not here anymore. I'm starting to say goodbye to everyhing and everyone. I have moments when I just sit in the hallway and look at my lovely house. It's exactly how I wanted it to be. Well, how we wanted it to be - the us that is no more. Just another story. Feels good and strange at the same time to be alone after almost 8 years of used to being a part of an "us". But if I wouldn't have been alone, I wouldn't have thought about leaving and doing a Master now, at my age. Sometimes I think it's a little late for me to start over with my career and other times it feels like just the right moment. Nothing has ever felt so right. And still, I am afraid of leaving everything I know and start everything from scratch. And again - this ultimate contradiction that is the human mind - I'm thinking that I should be grateful for this chance life has given me to start anew. And I am honestly happy that I will. If I would just allow myself to listen to my heart, I would be at peace. But what fun would that be for my mind? No stress, no worries - just silence and serenity! Would that be so bad? YES! - my mind says. NO! - my heart says.
And there are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see - all over the world! I want to go everywhere! I want to know everything! I want to live, breathe art, creation at its best! And my leaving will give me the chance to do all this.
I can't wait to sit somewhere, anywhere in my new city and just watch people passing by. It will be winter when I arrive, so I may have to wait for spring when I'll be able to take my sketch book with me and my camera. And I can't wait for friends to come visit me - friends from home and from afar. I can't wait to meet my good friend from Canada - we'll go explore Milan again... and maybe even get to Genova where we'll stay at least a day. And of course, passing by the theatre, we'll go eat ice cream.
Time passes so quickly and I don't want to miss out on anything, since the present is all we have! And so my moods are ever changing because my mind and my heart are at conflict despite the fact that the pieces that make up my life are starting to fall into place. Everything is as it should be! I think maybe this should be my new mantra!...
Do you also have those moments when you feel the need to write just to get some semblance of order, just because you can't hold it in anymore and just sitting by yourself, pondering doesn't get you anywhere!? And as you start to write about them - typing furiously on your computer at first, trying to get everything out at once - after a while you slow down and get a peaceful feeling. Yeah! That's where I am right now! More at peace then when I started this post! And finally, my mind is silent and I am happy again. Happy to be alive, happy to be here, happy at the thought of leaving and starting my new life. Yeah, just that!
Goodnight everyone!
